File this under “I have too much money and needed a pair of hooker boots in my closet.” Seriously? Donatella Versace has, in the last few seasons, been working hard to turn her brand around and make it more polished and ladylike. So how to explain these black leather platform sandals? Not even Christina Aguilera would wear these. Just one look at these shoes makes me long for a plain pair of Lanvin flats. Every part of these shoes–the 5.5 inch heel, the 1.5 inch platform, the silver hardware–scares me! And can we–or maybe not–discuss the black waxed-cotton cord lace-up front? Seriously: OMG. I guess you’re sneaker laces break, you’ll have plenty of backup string. About the only classy party of these shoes is the wrapped pin-point heel–and even that is wrapped in patent leather!

$1,495, available at Net-A-Porter